Feeling isolated? Let’s talk about how to fight that feeling…
When I was growing up, it felt like no one understood me. I had interests that were different and stronger than my peers did. I was far more focused on learning and studying than my friends, and I worked much harder in school to stay afloat.
I was Autistic, and no one knew.
In childhood, I stuck to the sides of some girls I had a reasonable amount in common with. In adulthood, you’re not surviving the same schoolday with other people your age. For this reason, it’s a lot harder to find good friends.
However, I also consider it freeing because your world opens up for more possible friendships.
This is a short guide on how to find friends as an adult Autistic.
Your options
In our modern life, there are a few methods available to you for finding more friends. Some of them take more effort than others. However, you need to keep in mind that you're not going to find friends by hiding alone in your room!
It takes a little bit of putting yourself out there to see big returns.
Here's the 3 main options I see available to us as adult Autistics:
Talking to more people who are already in your life, e.g. classmates at college, coworkers at the workplace, and other places you frequent
Getting more involved in your interests in-person, e.g. with bookclubs, local sports, art, and more.
Online; the two options above but in the virtual space. E.g. talking to could-be friends in an online study group you frequent, or joining communities about your interests!
We will discuss all of these options in more depth. They may seem limited, but we will explain how to dive into each of these.
First, exploring the sphere of people already in your life.
Potential friends are all around you
A big part of modern life is being surrounded by people, people, people. Whether we like it or not, the world runs on our interactions with others. Many of us work, or attend school. Some of us attend events such as concerts or art gallery showings. In these settings, we are rarely alone. Other folks are there, enjoying the space and the activity with us.
These are all opportunities to meet people, which is step 1 to making new friends.
Let's start with the first big arena:
School
If you’re attending school, there are several ways to meet more people.
Your biggest opportunity will be at your classes.
My method was: I would approach a seat in a lecture hall next to someone who looked friendly, I would ask them if the seat next to them was taken, and then strike up a conversation. This served two benefits: I would make a friend that I could ask to hang out with, and I would have someone to rely on for academic support in the class.
I also made a concrete effort to get myself out of my room more often. I looked at the events calendar for my university, and signed myself up for ones I genuinely was interested in.
Even if it wasn't exactly social in nature-- maybe it was attending a talk by a professor, or a movie night-- there were still opportunities to connect with people around me. However, there were more chatty settings too, such as clubs! These were much easier to make friends at because you have the club's interest in common, such as anime, gaming, or science.
Here's how to make friends at these events: pick out someone approachable, and approach them.
Sit next to them at the club meeting.
When everyone is getting ready to start, introduce yourself and ask about them. You might make a connection! If they don't react positively, you never have to speak to them again.
Work
Next, at work. Work is a little bit trickier than school. At university, almost everyone is guaranteed to be around your own age. At work, the ages are wildly different. And, everyone is at different life stages. I’ve worked with elderly folks, I’ve worked with new parents or newly married people, and I’ve worked with people around my own life stage.
It’s possible to be friends with people outside of your age group, however it is difficult. They won’t have the same problems or interests you have. They might not understand aspects of your life, or vice versa. They might not know that a social media site you spend all day on even exists, let alone how to use a computer.
However, you're both still human beings with many commonalities
Here's some topics you can talk to almost anyone about:
How they enjoy their work
What kind of food they like
The weather and how much they like/dislike it
Their hobbies, when they started those hobbies, what they do to develop their skills
What media (books/movies/TV/etc) they have read/seen lately
Complimenting them, e.g. saying you like an aspect of their outfit. Do NOT comment on things someone cannot change, such as their body type, even if it's positive
Random questions. My boyfriend has a failsafe for everyone. It's "What's your favorite fruit?" because it tells you a lot about a person.
Fun hypotheticals: "If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?"
I'm sure you can brainstorm many other commonalities to discuss! If there was an event you attended in your community, you can discuss that. If there is something interesting happening, that's another option for discussion. It takes a little bit of practice to come up with things to discuss, but it's a vital skill to making more friendships!
People love talking about themselves, generally. The more fun questions you have ready to ask someone, the better. You may want to spend some time brainstorming fun conversation topics if this is an area of difficulty for you.
But you may find that you struggle to make deeper conversations with people beyond your age.
I have a coworker much older than myself, and she struggles to understand something foundational to my generation-- our financial struggles. For this reason we struggle to have conversations where we understand each other.
So for work, I suggest you focus on identifying coworkers:
Within the same, rough life stage as yourself
With the same interests as you
Who you can tolerate for the entire workday, let alone outside of work
Prepare for your relationship with them to change when you invite them to hang out with you. They might give you more invitations to hang out, so prepare to say “No” if you decide you don’t want their friendship. If you identify as female, be careful of inviting male coworkers out. They could misunderstand your intentions.
If you’re unsure about the coworker and their potential friendship, it’s better to err on the side of caution. Remember: you have to see this person at work every workday regardless of what happens outside of work.
All in all, there are a lot of places you already attend where you could make friends who share your interests!
Making friends through interest groups
As a human alive on this planet, you have some kind of interests. As an Autistic, you most likely have several you were or are passionate about. Tapping into these (and their communities) for friends is an excellent way to go about it.
However, first you need to figure out what those interests are!
I recommend making a list of all your special interests, both past and present, and rating how strongly you feel about them. Then I recommend brainstorming how you could find people with those same interests, both online and in-person.
However, first we’re going to talk about how to explore these interests locally. This is because in-person friends are much more flexible to meet with you more often, you have more activities open to you, and etc!
Here’s some ideas of how to get more involved in your local community depending on your interests:
Music - Radio stations sometimes hold concerts, or advertise local music events and opportunities. Tune into your favorite one and you’ll find out more! Look for concerts or local music schools you could attend.
Art - Art stores sometimes hold events, and art galleries put on exhibitions often. Turn to them for local opportunities
Hiking/exercise - There’s a new trend on sites like Eventbrite and Meetup to host local 20's-aged, 30’s-aged, etc hiking groups or get-togethers at cafes and bars. I highly recommend checking them out!
Books - Libraries hold bookclubs often! Look for events put on by your local libraries– many hold book sales and other book-oriented activities too!
The most important thing is that you brainstorm as broadly as you can, and do some research to see what you can find within a reasonable distance around you!
Then, the hard part-- talk to people while you’re there! We'll get more into how to do that later.
Next, we’re going to talk about a much easier sphere to make friends in, in my opinion: the Internet.
Befriending distant folk
The Internet, in my opinion, has massively changed the lives of ALL disabled people, not just Autistic people.
Instead of being expected to engage with regular society, the Internet allows you to connect to others at the touch of a button. At any moment, there's thousands and thousands of streams, voice chats, communities, groups, etc, that are accepting new members. A whole other world is open to you.
However, the approach is the same as for both of the above:
If you frequent a certain group or place, tap that place for new friends! Ask specific people if they want to do an activity together, like watch a movie or play a game, something accessible to you both.
If you have interests, pursue those interests. Online there’s more interest groups for EVERYTHING, so really tap into your special interests and other media you consume!
Online is a great space for finding friends for Autistics, and I would argue so many of us would be so much lonelier without it. However, beware– soon all your friends might be online, which might make you a lot more homebound. Consider trying to diversify that with more in-person friends using the methods above.
Also, be careful with your personal information. Once you let someone know your address or full name, it's inevitable that others will know as well. There's no taking it back.
Let's move on to how to elevate your relationships from "people you see around" to solid friendship.
Taking it from "acquaintance" to "friend"
So you've met some people you think you could be friends with! It's time to strengthen that bond.
When your acquaintance is becoming more like a friend, you can deepen the friendship by asking them to join you at an activity or place. E.g. ask them to come to an art gallery exhibition with you, or ask them to get coffee and study with you.
This works because it signals to the person that you enjoy their company. It allows you more opportunity to talk one-on-one and share your interests together over an activity you both enjoy.
A note: Be specific about date/time/activity/location! If you ask someone the broad question “do you want to hang out?” they are then in an awkward situation. They could say yes, but then realize they don't like the activity you follow up with. Or they could say no, broadly. Be polite and lay it all out immediately instead.
Turn "Do you want to hang out?"
into
"Do you want to get coffee, maybe this Sunday?"
It's much more effective and polite!
What to do if someone declines?
This is an area us Autistics may struggle with because of our difficulties with social skills. Because every situation is so individual, it's hard to give broad advice that everyone can understand.
Here's my input: consider first that someone may just genuinely be busy, not necessarily that they don't want to be around you.
However, if they keep declining 1-2 more times, listen to that: they're saying they either don't want to hang out, OR they're genuinely so busy they can't find the time. Either way, it's your responsibility to ease off and let them be. If they want to be around you, let them initiate it instead.
In summary: be persistent, but don’t be rude.
Persistent: Sending reminders about a meeting so someone doesn’t forget. If they say “no” to a first proposition then feel free to send them a second for a different event, but back off if they repeatedly say no or are firm.
Rude: Demanding someone to come to an event. Repeatedly inviting someone even when they don’t seem interested (especially if they’ve declined you multiple times). Having a rude tone when you invite someone. Maintaining an expectation for them to become friends with you.
In short, if it seems like someone doesn't want to deepen their relationship with you, it is SO important to respect that.
It's important to understand where you are between rude and persistent. Feel free to confide in allistic people for more clarification about which one you're being, and whether you should continue.
Being consistent/following through
So, you've made a plan with a potential friend! Now you have just one job... showing up!
As an Autistic, I struggle mightily with talking myself into staying home. I can easily miss work, school, activities, even events I was looking forward to, because of the "home is so much comfier..." thought that talks me into staying home.
However, if you flake on someone, they will likely decline ever making plans again. Do NOT flake! Do everything in your power to avoid flaking!
Then after you've met up with that person once, you need to follow through with more activities. The goal isn't to push yourself. Be reasonable about your ability to meet with others, and how often that is. But in order for a friendship to maintain itself and even grow, you need to see this friend semi-regularly.
A friendship requires maintenance. It's sad but it's true.
Keep looking for cool events to invite them to. Try to find more activities you both enjoy.
If you can't find the opportunity to hang out with someone, or talk with them, consistently enough-- they tend to forget about you. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how human brains work. There's always new stimuli, new people, new things, new events in their life-- if you don't establish yourself as a consistent figure, you will fade into the background.
In some relationships, you can "pick right up where you left off." However, this mostly applies to long-term friendships, such as a best friend from your younger years.
The relationship needs to be established first.
Engaging with your new friend
A conversation is a give-and-take interaction. Some people are quieter, or more talkative, than others. But for the average person, it's best to assume that they want to talk more than they listen.
People absolutely love talking about themselves. If you're a good listener, people will notice and appreciate that. But if you aren't feeling heard, perhaps the relationship isn't serving you well.
There's advice out there that says "try not to think about what you might say next, but instead focus on listening."
As Autistics, we might struggle with that more due to speech difficulties. However, the sentiment remains. Try to be a listener more than a talker.
Final thoughts
Let's acknowledge it: making new friends as an Autistic is hard! There's a lot to keep in mind as you pursue more friendships.
However, there are many avenues for you to pursue to make friends, and there's 8 billion people on the planet available for you to connect with!
I hope this guide was helpful to you!
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